To Please Others Can Be Our Downfall

Close your eyes and imagine the land Nowhere. Wendy is a girl who takes care of the children of the story in the fantasy world. She can do what Peter Pan does not dare, taking risks and taking responsibility in an attempt to please others even though she is always in the background. Open your eyes again; this reminds you of something, right?

It is a metaphor that shows how often we try to please others and thus forget ourselves and what we really want. In this way, it is very common to say yes to requests that are seemingly small, such as drinking coffee with a person when we do not feel like it or, more importantly, important suggestions such as getting married, studying for a certain career or have kids.

We choose the path that works best in the short term because we avoid conflicts, but then ignore what we really want. We prefer to pay the price instead of adding another discussion or a cloud of unrest to our already stressful days. But what we are really doing is underestimating the price we have to pay in the long run because we gave.

We are afraid to say no and choose to please others so as not to be rejected, end up outside the group or disappoint someone. But what happens to us?

The psychologist Albert Ellis, who created rational emotive behavior therapy, talks about eleven common irrational beliefs that spread and isolate all other thoughts and feelings that usually exist in our mind. They make the horizon a dark place and open the door to a feeling of weightless discomfort.

One of the beliefs is the following: “I need the love and approval of everyone around me” or “I must be loved and get approval from all the important people around me”. To varying degrees, this belief is established in almost all minds, and is the one that leads us to please others.

It is an irrational belief because it is impossible to get everyone’s approval. If we are in need of others constantly nodding approval in our direction, we will always be concerned about whether they accept us or not and to what extent people like us.

It is not realistic to think that everyone in the world must like us. Getting everyone to like us would also require so much effort that we would have to neglect our own needs.

We must eliminate our excessive need for approval and love. It is more appropriate for you to seek approval for your actions and behavior than for yourself.

These people tend to make others happy and give them pleasure. In other words, they express a more or less constant tendency to fulfill other people’s desires, even when they themselves lose out on it.

But if someone always gives in to the demands of others, he can not assert his own position or defend his own interests. Instead, the person gives in to the preferences of others without caring about their own. Some risks that distinguish these people are the following:

• Perfectionism: wanting to do things perfectly leads to feelings of guilt when things do not turn out as expected, especially when it comes to pleasing others. People who take care of others tend to be perfectionists and do not realize that it is precisely perfectionism that makes you feel frustrated.

• They feel irreplaceable: a person who is constantly at ease with others wants to feel irreplaceable, that those around them are dependent on them, because it makes them feel accepted, respected and loved.
• Love is sacrifice: they have the perception that love is sacrifice and are content with love and family relationships where they feel discomfort, and accept this as a normal consequence of the relationship and love for the other person.

• Avoid conflicts: to constantly try to please others is to avoid conflicts. That is why these people avoid quarrels, tell others that they are right and apologize for everything as long as they are accepted.

• They are people who sacrifice themselves for the happiness of others so much that they do not know what really makes them happy because they are always thinking about what will make the other person happy. They do not express emotions and close so much that in the end they have no ideas of their own or do not express them.