How To Talk To A Child About Death

How can you talk to a child about death? Before we answer the question, it is important to address another concept: grief and the experience of death and loss. Grief is a complex process that people experience when we lose a loved one, go through a divorce, lose a job or become disabled in some way. It is a process of reorganization and reconstruction of reality in a way that helps us adapt to life after the loss.

In this article, we will discuss how to talk to a child about death using advice and recommendations from the Catalan Pediatric Society and Parc Tauli de Sabadell Hospital. As you can understand, the guidelines vary slightly depending on age, as the child’s concept of death changes as they grow and develop.

To begin with, we will explain the developmental phases according to the child’s age range (in terms of psychological and social development, language, autonomy, etc.) and then talk about how the child understands death for each step, and how to explain a close relative’s death. It is important to understand children’s development to understand what type of language is best suited for age and what you should avoid.

Early childhood

Early childhood is the period from birth to two years. At this stage of life, a child’s life revolves around the routines of daily life, and has a need to be connected to its caregivers.

At the age of two, language development is in full swing. Children can understand and say words that have to do with their daily lives. They can feel and express basic emotions, such as pleasure or anger, through their behavior.

What does grief look like in early childhood? A two-year-old child does not understand death. The loss of a primary caregiver will affect the child deeply, even if it does not understand what is happening. Consequently, it is very important to continue with the child’s daily routine as much as possible. The daily care should be performed by a primary care provider, if possible.

Keep in mind that the adult’s intense emotional expression can affect the child. As we mentioned above, children express their feelings through their behavior, not through language, until about two years of age.

As you can understand, the experience of grief in early childhood is unique. Remember that it is very important for the child to continue to feel safe and cared for. They need to have as much contact with the normal people in their lives as possible.

How to talk to a small child about death

Even if young children have a very limited understanding of death, it is still important to talk to them about it. If the child can speak, use simple language and speak in short sentences. Communicate the news clearly and calmly. Make them feel as safe as possible. The caregiver should tell the child in a space where he or she feels comfortable and safe.

Regardless of which adult has the task of communicating the news, it should make sure that it has its own emotions under control before sharing them with the child. After hearing the news, the child should return to a playful behavior. Going back to normal is the key at this stage.

3-5 years (preschool age)

How do you talk about death with a 3-5 year old child? Let us first talk about their development at this age. Between three and five, children tend to be restless and curious. They are more independent and require more autonomy. Children at this stage of life may begin to feel fear of certain things and engage in fantasy games. Language skills are strengthened.

At the cognitive level, they are quite egocentric. They can only understand the world through their own experiences. On the other hand, when interpreting events, their thinking is both flexible and magical.

According to experts, children at this age do not understand that death is universal and that everyone will die. They have a view that death is reversible. Their magical thinking makes it easy to confuse a thought with a fact. For example, they may think that if they think about death, it will happen.

How to explain death to a 3-5 year old

According to the Catalan Society of Pediatrics, you should offer a concrete and real explanation based on your child’s daily life and experience. Tell it in a safe space at a quiet time.

Share the news as soon as possible. You do not have to wait. Finally, be sure to take the time to ask questions and doubts that your child may have.

Talk to a child about death: 6-9 years

At this stage, children boldly assert their autonomy, and their language is fully developed. They talk about and understand more abstract and symbolic concepts. In addition, their thinking is flexible and reflexive and they are very curious. Finally, at this age, most children can perceive the difference between reality and fantasy.

This is the stage when children begin to understand that death is final. They also have the cognitive ability to understand that the body stops functioning when we die. Children aged 6-9 still do not understand the thought of their own death, but they may worry that someone close to them will die.

How to explain

At this stage, it is very important that you do not try to embellish the truth or use metaphors. It can frustrate and confuse them. During this stage, it is normal for children to ask many questions, so be prepared to answer them clearly and honestly.

Share the news in a clear, accurate and concise way. Tell them as soon as you can.

10-13 years (pre-puberty)

During this stage of life, children begin to experience the changes that come with puberty. Their language skills are complete, and their thinking enables them to use logic and reason even in abstract situations. They can identify and express complex emotions (such as disappointment). They also understand that different emotions can exist simultaneously.

During the early teens, the concept of death is fully developed. As a result, children understand the following:

• Death is final.
• The body stops working.
• Everyone dies.
• They are afraid of loss.

How to explain

How should you talk about death with a child in puberty? As with other ages, your explanation should be clear, concise, and honest.

Find a quiet and comfortable environment to share the news. Make sure the child feels comfortable expressing their feelings and communicating the questions they may have. Let it know that it can ask you anything.

Youth

Finally we reach adolescence. This is a stage marked by change, in every sense of the word. Most teenagers begin to assert their independence as they develop a self-concept and a more precise perception of their environment. Consequently, teens experience grief very differently than children or adults.

Adolescents can be particularly vulnerable, which means that losses during this phase tend to be significant. They have had time to create a relationship with the person who has passed away. In addition, they can understand the meaning of death.

What does grief look like for teenagers? Its intensity varies depending on the type of relationship they had with the person, the circumstances of his death, whether they could say goodbye, etc.

How to tell the news

At this sensitive stage, it is important to explain what happened very accurately. Ideally, the person closest to the teenager is the one telling it. It should be in a comfortable, private space. Tell them as soon as possible. Be honest and concise, respect their space and let them know you are there to answer any questions you may have.