Everything Needs Farewell Rituals

We have suffered losses during our lives. Again and again we are forced to say goodbye to people, places and situations we have loved from birth, until we die and say goodbye to life.

We say goodbye to childhood and adolescence. We say goodbye to parents, siblings, couples and friends. We say goodbye to places we love and moments we will never forget.

You could say that life is a series of endings and starts. The truth is that everything that begins must end in order to make room for the new. But we are not always prepared to say “goodbye”.

Throughout history, different societies have developed customs, ceremonies and special events to say goodbye – farewell rituals. But modern cultures have moved away from these traditions, and that makes it harder for us to process partings and losses in a good way.

One of the finest customs of prehistoric man was the establishment of burial rites. Unlike other species, humans have begun to give meaning to death. Early people began to bury their dead, just as they understood that death was a great event.

These prehistoric people searched for magical explanations for death. They assumed that life did not end there and therefore created a way to say goodbye to those who left them and comfort those who remained.

Gradually, they created new rituals, often for initiation. The start of puberty, the beginning of a life as a married person, the start of the harvest, etc. But celebrating the start is of course also a way to celebrate the end. All of these rituals were maintained over time. They were developed and adapted to the peculiarities of each culture, but kept alive in their essence.

In today’s society, however, there are fewer and fewer rituals to announce the arrival of something new or the dismissal of something that passes. It can be said that the only one of these rituals that has survived so far is the funeral.

In today’s society , however, a ritual of saying goodbye to someone who has died is increasingly something owned by the market, and not the mourners. We have “prefabricated” formulas. Funeral homes “take care of everything” and the mourners are passive figures.

Not to forget the farewells that hurt almost as much as death, but which are obviously not definitive. We are talking about divorce, leaving your childhood home or the end of a relationship.

A ritual should illuminate a special event. It marks a situation that is not ordinary and that deserves a break from the routine of receiving it, digesting it and preparing for change.

Rituals and ceremonies help to give meaning to an event that has occurred and that will change our lives. We will not be the same after this, and we use symbols to enable our acceptance.

Saying goodbye means adopting a new perspective on the past and the future, and replacing everything that was common with something new that has not yet been built. It also suggests the awareness of having to accept suffering and process it.

In today’s society, there is not always room for rituals. Often people have to experience the drama of separation in absolute solitude. They urge themselves to simply move on and think that no one wants to see them cry or express their pain.

They are encouraged not to grieve, to try to think of something else, to engage in activities that distract them. And in the end, the pain is avoided if it does not go away. Under these circumstances, it is easy to go from sadness to bitterness. The mourners know that they cannot change the facts, but fail to adapt to these changes. This results in depression, mania or difficulties with others.

It would be perfect if everyone said goodbye to their own farewell rituals. In today’s world, it is probably best for everyone to design their own private ritual to say goodbye because almost no one wants to leave room to think about death and separation.

Performing farewell rituals is healing. Letting yourself see the loss in your face is the first sign of acceptance. It also helps to tie together the loose threads in the link that are now complete.

You can take a symbolic object and light a fire on it to say goodbye. You can write a letter or poem to say goodbye. You can bring back memories of the person who no longer exists and give them a special, physical place where they can be stored.

All these little farewell rituals help us to say goodbye, which allows us to mourn with greater courage.

Photos by Catrin Welz-Stein.